James Baggott: Yes, Wales. Glorious, traffic-free, twisty-roaded, sheep-littered Wales. And yes, they are some of our favourite driver’s cars. We know they’re an oddball bunch. Italians, Germans, Brits – they don’t usually mix. You only need to visit a Spanish all- inclusive holiday resort buffet to realise that...

James Batchelor: I was wondering when you’d bring up my hair. Let me bring things back to terra firma though and put my maths hat on – but you have to bear with me as I was in the bottom set for maths at school. We’ll be marking these driver’s cars by the following criteria: looks, handling, performance, wow factor and value-for- money – and a score out of 10 should be given for each category. But that’s enough now – I’m boring myself to tears. The cars. And first up is a Maserati – not any Maser though but the fastest and meanest car the wonderfully-named Italian car company makes: the 442bhp GranTurismo MC Stradale. It’s also the most expensive car we have here by quite some margin at £110k. And flying the flag for Blighty is Jaguar’s super-saloon for caddish types – the 80-grand supercharged XFR-S. But there’s more, isn’t there Deej...

DJ: Yes indeed. We couldn’t have a gathering of our favourite driver’s cars without a strong showing from Germany. First up from the Fatherland is the limited-run BMW 1M Coupe, a car that gave the rather effeminate 1 Series some serious performance credentials, thanks to its searing straight-six engine and propensity for lairiness. It’s BMW’s last bastion of analogue hairy-chestedness in an increasingly digital (and anodyne) motoring landscape...

James Baggott: Figghhhhttt! Or something along those lines. Right, now we’ve got a system from the man with a maths hat and a rundown of what’s here – to business! I was really looking forward to driving the Maserati. Having never had the chance before, it was somewhat of a pinnacle moment for me. Sadly, it let me down. Inside, it’s a tight squeeze, despite being longer than an InterCity train. I found the driving position positively cramped. And the interior tech feels like it’s powered by an Amstrad from 1984. The media screen boasts Atari levels of graphics and the buttons under it look like they’ve been stolen from a Citroen C8. On the road, it feels big and there’s no doubt it’s fast. However, on the twisty Welsh roads its bulk showed it up – and the brakes, well they didn’t inspire confidence.

But you forget most of its flaws as soon as you hear it fire into life. Oh the sound. What a sound…

James Batchelor: ...the noise from that 4.7-litre Ferrari V8 is really quite sensational and dominates the entire driving experience. It gets even noisier when you thumb the ‘Race’ button and use the beautiful carbon-fibre paddles to change gear. James is right in the fact that it is quite a dog to drive on twisty roads. While it may have super-direct steering, the brakes really lack bite when you’re on it, and the whole cabin really isn’t up to scratch for a £50k car let alone one that costs more than double that.

But I adore flawed cars and the Maserati delivers character in buckets – that and the fact that the name ‘Maserati’ is extremely seductive. Maserati is trying to make its model range more appealing to ‘non-Maser’ owners by introducing the new Ghibli small saloon and there’s also a new SUV on the way. As long as they still keep building cars like the MC Stradale, the name will still emanate sheer glamour. 

DJ: Good looks – and I should know – can only get you so far. While the Maserati certainly has all the Italian character and charm that an owner could ever wish for, a car that shouts the shout like the MC Stradale should be far better resolved. The Tarmac-kissing front-splitter and trussed-up rear-end aerodynamics count for nothing when the basics, namely the steering, brakes and that woefully lethargic and jerky gearbox, aren’t up to scratch. The whole car feels disjointed and as such it’s better for being seen in than actually driving. Which only makes the £18k price premium for this Stradale version even more ludicrous. Worse still, there’s a hatchback-based BMW that shows this Ferrari-engined coupe the way when it comes to driver thrills.

James Baggott: And my word Deej, for once, you’re actually right. This Beemer is arguably one of the most driver-focused cars ever to come out of the German makers’ factory gates. I drove one on the launch and was intoxicated by it then and have been ever since. I love its springy controls, its lightweight gear change, its near-perfect driving position, and its looks are just so right, so in proportion, so spot-on that’s it’s hard not to love. In fact, in that respect it’s like the complete opposite of Batch, but I digress. Every time I jumped behind the wheel of this little BMW I couldn’t help but raise a smile – whether it’s chasing down the Maserati, annoying the Porsche or loudly laying rubber across corners, it’s a hoot. And what more can you wish for from a driver’s car?

James Batchelor: We had a brilliant orange 1M for Road Test of the Year three years ago, and with a full tank of fuel and a Welsh hill to navigate, it was a pure dream for a fresh-faced university graduate. But now I have a few wrinkles – amazing, I know – my joints are playing up and my hair is getting a bit thinner, so you’d think the 1M’s sparkle would be lost on me second time round. In fact, its appeal is even stronger. Possibly because I’m now a bit older and therefore a bit nearer to middle age (Baggott is well past it), the 1M seems so delicious it’s hard not to come to the conclusion is this the most perfect driver’s car for decades?

It introduces a traditional work ethic to proceedings – fat wheels, fat arches and a fat engine all in a small car. It’s adorable and it does bite if provoked. But why is that interior so dreadfully unimaginative? 

DJ: As much as I hate to admit it, I must agree with my colleagues – the 1M is simply a sensation. I feared I’d missed the chance to drive it, not having the opportunity to do so when it was first launched, and it certainly lived up to its hype and the praise lavished upon it in road tests at the time. Its small footprint means you have the space, even here on our Welsh testing ground, to exploit its rear-biased balance, and everything, from the suspension to the steering and gear change, is taut, beefy and ready for action.

On the road it feels as solid as a rock. However, it isn’t quite as fun (predictably) as the industry’s darling, the Porsche 911.

James Baggott: Right, I’m ignoring your age-based jibes – for now – and moving on to the Porsche. Another Road Test of the Year stalwart – and a worthy winner of our annual test in 2012. We were offered a Turbo for this test and actually turned it down, preferring instead to plump for the purest of them all, the two-wheel-drive Carrera. Our test car came with the brilliant Sports Chrono Pack – a must upsell for any dealer – and PDK transmission for glorious launch control starts.

With the sports exhaust fitted, this car sounded utterly brilliant, almost a rival for the Maser’s V8. The much-moaned-about steering was sublime, the gear change lightning fast and kidney-moving and the speed at which this thing can shift is incredible. It’s quite close to being the perfect sports car in my eyes.

Now you’re out of nappies and old enough to drive one Batch, what do you think?

James Batchelor: I’ve never really understood the whole ‘911 thing’. Why do people bow down to the Stuttgart altar and heap praise on a car that is so illogically designed and hardly differs from generation to generation? But, oh my word, now I understand. Once you slip behind the wheel of a 911 for the very first time, you’re hit by this strange sense you’re in something very special and as good as it gets. It’s taken 50 years to get to this point, I kept telling myself.

In this Carrera 2S spec, it’s probably the most sorted sports car out there for this kind of money, and the Porsche press office has an annoying habit of ticking all the options in the brochure, making the urge to buy one so tempting.

Goodness knows how many customers Porsche has attracted to its dealerships by speccing its demonstrators right. If it were my money I’d plump for the 911 in a heartbeat. But talking of hearts, the F-Type Jag is my favourite sports car – I’m a Jag man at the end of the day. So why have we got a tarted-up saloon car from Jaguar for this feature then, DJ?

DJ: Because, my unenlightened friend, this is no ordinary Jaguar saloon. But firstly I must place an early bet for the winner being the 911. This is the first time I’ve driven one on the road and – not wanting to gush – it’s quite simply unlike anything else I’ve ever driven.

Like most, I greeted the cult-like fanboy-ism surrounding the 911 with scepticism. I mean, how can a car with its roots planted squarely in the last millennium possibly hold a candle to its cutting-edge rivals? However, just five minutes behind the wheel is enough to realise what all the fuss is about, which is just as well, given the competition for the keys.

And while some bemoan a lack of fresh design, I personally think the 911’s iconic shape has got better with age.

As must Baggott, who’s emulating its silver-fox paint scheme with his hair.

James Baggott: Blimey DJ, that was almost poetic – did someone else write that for you? You see, I think – and this will sound weird coming from me – that the Jag is just too powerful. Yes, you read that right. There was one point during our test when I was on a straight bit of road, traction control off and it was still spinning its rear wheels enough to mark the Tarmac in third gear at 70mph (ahem). I know because I actually turned round to go back and check. The black lines were about a quarter of a mile long.

The power this thing generates is ridiculous. It’s intoxicating but frankly over the top. I love the sound it makes and that interior is getting on a bit but still lovely. However, I found the steering too light and the driving position too country club and not enough club racer. It’s an impressive bit of kit, but doesn’t sum up a driver’s car for me.

James Batchelor: I’m struggling to accept the idea that you think a car has too much power, James. It’s probably something Jaguar dealers aren’t complaining about, though, as there’s no doubt that by transplanting Coventry’s wonderful supercharged 5.0-litre engine under the bonnet, it has spiced a model range that really lacked sparkle. The XF was a lovely car when it launched but that magic has dropped off a little. However, that sparkle is well and truly back. There’s a menace about this car that the Merc simply cannot rival. It’s a seething anger that is so potent it literally scares you when the XFR-S appears in your rear-view mirror. 

DJ: What we have here is Coventry’s answer to the German dominance of the performance four-door sector: the XFR-S. With a supercharged 5.0-litre V8 firing 542bhp at the rear wheels, it’s on a par in terms of performance but has a balance and response that gives it an edginess completely missing from its Teutonic rivals. It’s an intoxicating mixture of hooligan thrills and cold fear, and you really have to be concentrating to make sure the big cat doesn’t bite. What I like most of all is the fact that it shares its basic shape with a 2.2-litre diesel and that they’ve painted it grey, meaning Audi R8 drivers won’t know what’s just demolished them until they hear the machine-gun noises coming from the tailpipes, isn’t that right Baggott?

James Baggott: I’m not rising to this. Let’s move it on to the third German offering here – the frankly bonkers Mercedes E63 AMG S. As if the standard one wasn’t fast enough, those boffins have decided an S with even more power would be a sensible offering for dealers to sell to those punters with a serious power craze. This thing has something stupid like eight million horse power and can hit 60mph faster than a Harrier Jump Jet. Probably. And has more tech secreted in it than Apple’s One Infinite Loop HQ. That last bit is possibly true.

If your customers like gadgets they’ll love this thing. Massaging seats with inflating bolsters for heavy cornering were my favourite. Oh, and on the road? Well, this is more motorway-mile- muncher than Welsh-road-attack-dog, but it coped admirably with both. It’s retina-dislodging quick and sounds Spitfire-throaty. I liked it a lot, but it’s not my favourite here...

James Batchelor: Sounds like a Spitfire? What are you talking about, man? Saying a Merc sounds like a Spitfire would be punishable by death in Batchelor’s Britain. And speaking of that utopian vision, there would be far more cars around like the E63 AMG S. Mercedes has deleted the optional Performance Pack and instead created a model in its own right. Called ‘S’, it’s more of everything – more power, more attitude, more environmentally-unfriendly. I like the way Mercedes has realised that the modern AMG buyer wants to have the bragging rights in the power stakes and just gone ahead and given the car’s already-potent 5.5-litre turbocharged V8 a slug of power – seven bhp to be precise. There’s no doubting it’s a very impressive package, but – and I can’t believe I’m saying this, bearing in mind how I began this a few seconds ago – it is all a bit too much, especially the styling.

It’s really quite obscene. 

DJ: Nothing wrong with a bit of bling, Batch. Though, yes, while AMG’s styling regime breathes life into Merc’s lesser models, the effortlessly handsome E-Class didn’t need quite the same level of meddling and looks a bit OTT with all of its go-faster jewellery. However, there’s no doubting the hardware underneath. Whereas AMGs of old were great for fast autobahn work, they never really had the same panache as their BMW M rivals in the twisty stuff.

This new E63 changes all that. It feels delicate and light to the touch in a way you’d never believe if you’d taken in the sheer size of it, and it flows with the road in a manner its rather point-and-squirt forebears could never match. As a huge fan of AMGs, it gives me great pleasure to say Mercedes finally has a proper answer to the domination of the BMW M5.

James Baggott: Yeah, yeah, yadee-yada. I’m bored of your wittering now, let’s wrap this up the Batch In a Maths Hat scientific way – with POINTS. Bear with me while I scrawl on a bit of paper... OK, the working out is done. Last place for me is the Mercedes. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed driving it, but it’s no out-and-out driver’s car. Fourth is the Jaguar, followed closely by the extremely loud Maserati in third. 

My second and first place were separated by just one point. The brilliant BMW falls into second place, beaten by the all-conquering 911. It’s such a good car to drive, to look at, to listen to. It’s the complete package.

James Batchelor: This is quite momentous – for the first time in four years we actually agree on something James. This is hugely worrying. No matter, because I think you’re right. We’ve scored these cars in a variety of categories but – and I hate this phrase – at the end of the day, it is down to the way they drive.

And for that reason the Mercedes has to come last, as it is a bit of a blunt instrument in this company. Scoring two points more is the Jag – it has a bit more respectability than the German saloon so it earns a leg up the table. The Maser sits in third. I liked this car more than I thought I would but, while I love flawed cars, in this company its flaws were too bad to overlook. In second is the 1M – a fabulously awesome package, it deserves high praise and makes me think if only BMW had built more of them, dealers would still be selling them now. First is the 911. It’s a sheer triumph in every area. 

DJ: I’m going to get some stick for this I’m sure, but I have to award the wooden spoon to the Maserati. It held so much promise when it roared into the car park, but the dynamic experience just hasn’t matched up. It’s hugely disappointing that this purpose-built race-car for the road can be trumped in the entertainment stakes by the luxurious XFR-S and E63 AMG S, which take fourth and third place respectively. That these barges are even in the running is testament to the engineering genius of the people behind them, and means the need for four seats and a big boot needn’t be an obstacle to achieving driving nirvana. Second place goes to the BMW 1M. Quite why the Bavarians didn’t put it into series production I’ll never know, as they’d be laughing all the way to the bank.  The only fault is the rather low-rent interior, and that has little bearing in this test. All of which just leaves the fabulous Porsche 911. As fit for daily use at it is, it never feels anything less than an event each time you slip behind the wheel and rewards drivers with oodles of feedback.