Labour’s frontbench is the least impressive in history

With the election called and the PM hung out to dry, it’s time to remember why we all hate Labour. Just take a look at the shadow frontbench! Most of them are anonymous. It must be one of the most underwhelming opposition squads in history.

In 1945, Labour offered Nye Bevan, Ernest Bevin and Stafford Cripps; even the desultory government of 1974-79 contained authentic characters such as Denis Healey or Barbara Castle. The argument goes that historic Labour teams were better because they had prior experience of government – ie, in the wartime coalition – whereas Sir Keir’s lot have been locked out for 14 years. But Tony Blair’s team spent 18 years in the wilderness – and still boasted the brains and swagger of Gordon Brown, John Reid or Peter Mandelson.

Labour, the self-styled party of modernisation, previously sought to embody the up-and-coming generation. Sir Keir, at 61, is 17 years older than the PM. Hilary Benn (70) is tipped to run Ulster; John Healey (64) is in charge of the guns; and national campaign coordinator Pat McFadden (59) looks as if he was awoken from a mummy’s tomb.

Experience is a plus, of course, but Starmer’s appointments have been shaped by necessity, not virtue, drawn from a pool shrunken by successive defeats (hence ex-MPs such as Mary Creagh or Caroline Flint were unavailable). The party has also endured a bitter civil war that drove out moderates (Luciana Berger) and now precludes smart socialists from service (Rebecca Long-Bailey).

Fear not, there are still some proper Lefties who made the cut: never forget that Starmer and Angela Rayner took a knee for Black Lives Matter. Emily Thornberry (attorney general) crucified herself on an England flag. Ed Miliband (environment), nailed his manifesto to a gravestone and flirted with Russell Brand (now he’s hawking a radical green policy that will likely reduce British GDP to that of the Dominican Republic).

Anneliese Dodds (party chair) refuses to give up on the trans religion. Bridget Phillipson (education) wants to use maths to tackle misogyny. Louise Haigh at transport will oversee the nationalisation of trains. She is one of three shadow cabinet members said to have warned Starmer that he’s losing Muslim voters over Israel.

Haigh nominated Jeremy Corbyn for leader in 2015 and now regrets it, as does David Lammy, who blows from Left to Right. He recently told a US think tank that he has been described as a “small-c conservative” (not, I’m sure by Benjamin Netanyahu: Labour has implied he should be arrested should a warrant be obtained). Several of Starmer’s picks come from a Blairite vanguard called Progressive Britain: Liz Kendall, Lucy Powell etc. But what Starmer likes most is blandness and indifference to philosophy; political “meh”.

What does shadow chancellor Rachel Reeves believe in? We have no idea, for Reeves is pure image-making – an educated, progressive woman in a pant suit, dashing from factory to factory, reciting the importance of fiscal rules (in the spirit of North Korea, her sister, Ellie, also sits in the shadow cabinet – and if you close your eyes, they sound exactly the same). The hair game of Labour women is strong: almost all wear an Uma Thurman fringe, except Ms Haigh whose trademark locks – red, candy, sometimes blond – give Corries’ Rita Fairclough a run for her money.

When sketch-writers notice such things, they are automatically labelled sexist, but with Labour MPs one has to be visual, because they are allowed to say little of interest. The exception is Wes Streeting (health), the Labour MP who does the best impression of an ordinary bloke (in an extraordinary way: his grandfather was an armed robber who hung out with the Krays). If Starmer resembles Neil Kinnock – a Lefty pretending to be a centrist – Streeting is his Blair, the authentic moderate waiting in the wings.

For now Labour must gamble on a landslide to fill its vacuum of talent, and it’s possible many of the above names will be swapped out post-election. Starmer has controlled selections ruthlessly; his successful by-election candidates predict an incoming wave of mid-30s, middle-class boys who love football and Eurovision and have never read Das Kapital.

But is being inoffensive enough? If modern politics is devoid of ability and character, it’s not only because we haven’t been through a depression or a war: people of quality have simply stopped going into public service. Future academics will note that the day Rishi Sunak delivered the worst election launch in history – in the driving rain – Paula Vennells, the worst ever CEO, wept at the Post Office inquiry. It was as if the tears of one failure fell upon another.

As Starmer’s frontbench comes under the microscope, the public will discover for itself how few fresh faces or ideas there are in Labour – that this is not a transformative election but another step down the road of decline.

“Hands up who is excited about the thought of Yvette Cooper becoming home secretary?” See: no one.