Hoarding comes naturally to my generation – we’ve never been worried about things ‘going off’

What was Oliver Dowden thinking? Everyone knows the first rule of human behaviour is don’t tell them not to – or they will – closely followed by: never suggest that stockpiling is sensible, or there will be nothing left to hoard.

Oliver! Do you not remember the loo paper madness at the start of the pandemic? Can you not cast your mind back to the panic buying of goose fat after Nigella suggested it was the secret of perfect roast potatoes? All it takes is a whiff of a Lapsang Souchong shortage to send British posh tea drinkers into search-and-secure mode, ditto rumours of soon-to-be discontinued scents. And if you’re talking about middle class 55-pluses then the laying-down-supplies impulse is always there, idling, waiting for a trigger to thrust it into fifth gear.

We, as a group, are highly susceptible to hoarding. Poised, waiting to be given the scintilla of an excuse. The younger adults, even 40-somethings, are worried about things going off, including tins. They disapprove of dry goods that have been hanging around since you moved house in 2006. They’re suspicious of dust gathering, could-be-useful-again-one-day items such as old badminton nets and picnic baskets and fire guards. And while they like Amazon and a car boot sale as much as the next person, they simply do not have the “Just In Case” mentality. Unlike us, they don’t see a metre of waterproof upholstery fabric and think, “Hmm. You never know.”

Here’s some of what Oliver Dowden has forgotten about the natural hoarding section of the population. At least he’ll know for next time.

*We’re not the locust sort of stockpilers. We don’t have the shelf-stripping gene and we feel uncomfortable hoarding goods such as loo paper. But we almost cannot walk past a tin of anchovies without popping one in the basket. We also always have a lot more rose harissa than we could possibly need, as well as peppercorns, three kinds of vinegar, those scandi crisp biscuits and all the ingredients for pasta puttanesca which we’ve made probably twice in 18 years but legendarily can be put together entirely from the store cupboard, if you’re a working girl (or there’s a nuclear incident).

*We have major rug stockpiling issues. This is because we read that a great room starts with a rug, quite far into the process of trying to make our home look nice, and now we can’t stop wondering if a new block of 2x3 square metres square wool carpet could make all the difference.

*When we find an item of clothing that floats our boat there is a good chance we’ll panic buy a few. If it is really good, we’ll get one in every colour and with pants (Flexifit from M&S: no VPL and light as air) we might go mad and get 14 pairs. This is what happens as you approach 60 and beyond. Your options narrow very slightly every year and you are absurdly grateful to find a dress that doesn’t make you look like a district nurse circa 1959 or a casualty of the summer of love.

*We have a thing about plates. Not just plates but bowls and glasses. We desperately need a decent set of cutlery but instead I find myself snaffling an extra serving bowl every six months or so in case we ever have a party where I’m serving 12 large dishes. Or maybe just because there is comfort in buying plates and glasses but not so much cutlery.

*We start the Christmas hoarding now. People say that Christmas anxiety sets in earlier the older you get but I can confirm it peaks in your early-50s and from then you are just mildly anxious about Christmas all year and start picking up small presents from about May. For example, I’ve just been in Morocco, so quite a few people on the present list will be getting walnut wood cheese boards this year. That’s how we roll.