Forget talking about the weather, this is how the French should really deal with us

Ahead of this summer’s Olympics in Paris the French tourist board, Atout France, has circulated a video to the country’s hospitality industry on the art of dealing with the British. It offers advice from conversational topics – “don’t mention politics, talk about the weather” – to what the Brits expect to see in their hotel rooms: tea bags, milk, plug adapters. But as the French are French and thus cannot possibly understand the idiosyncrasies of the British, their advice (and je don’t mean pas de respect) misses the mark.

Like all nations we have developed, regressed, become enriched and are impoverished. So here’s my guide which they can circulate and, if you like, Atout France, I’ll do a video as well.

Conversation

We still don’t speak any foreign languages, and neither do we need to, so having greeted us with a “Bonjour” please use English. But ensure that it’s British English, not American English, which means no unnecessary rising inflections, especially at the end of a sentence. Indeed, even when asking a question, it is better that the pitch doesn’t rise at the end as it can sound overfamiliar. Thus “Would you like a cup of tea?” Or “Are you lost?” is more polite if the pitch simply glides forward.

Also, please don’t attempt to randomly converse with us when we are on transport. We find it weird and frightening when a stranger strikes up a chat on a train.

Hotels

Brits hate paying for things. Most of us pay for hotels in advance, so that the stay feels free. Therefore, please avoid ruining things by giving us a bill at checkout. We thought the crisps in the room were free anyway, and we definitely didn’t watch any movies. And I especially didn’t.

Hotel bars

While we hate talking to strangers, men who are travelling with families love talking to strangers at the hotel bar. So that can be with a fellow guest, the bartender, a passing cleaner, literally anyone who will speak to the man while he has a drink so that he can be gaining valuable local intel while managing to miss bath time, which is happening upstairs and is chaos as British children hate showers and there’s no bath in the room.

Hotel rooms

Please ensure the following is stocked: Earl Grey tea, full-fat milk (none of your UHT nonsense), ice, lemon, gin, tonic, chardonnay, cashew nuts, dark chocolate with sea salt, light switches (no “control via iPad” nonsense and no electric curtains), windows that open, bathroom light dimmers and a bath.

Brexit

Please don’t mention Brexit, don’t mention the nightmare of just getting to Paris, don’t mention the non-EU queues at the airport, the new checks for Eurostar, the lack of staff in our hospitality industry, the increased paperwork and cost for trading, and the general lack of discernible upside to Brexit. Yes, we voted for it, but we were hoodwinked; we thought telling Europe to get lost would result in no border queues and the paperwork would be easier. We’ve tried to wreck the EU and now you’re being beastly to us and the whole thing is just too ghastly to mention.

Wine

We now produce nicer sparkling wine than you, in Kent, Hampshire, Sussex etc, so don’t get all snooty about your damn champagne. However, our stuff is far too expensive for us to afford at home, let alone in Paris, so if we want to crack open a bottle of fizz we’ll be drinking some of your champagne, thank you very much.

Restaurants

UK restaurants are now the best in the world, a bit like our fizz, but it’s all become far too complicated and fussy and we just want simple stuff done nicely and with a sensible bill. So the answer to your question of “Voulez-vous le tasting menu?” is “No merci, I’ll have le steak haché et frites.”

Politics

Yes, we love Monsieur Farage, whose name sounds better in French: he’s plain speaking, he’s funny, he likes a pint, he admires our Armed Forces, he thinks the young have no respect because they’ve never heard of D-Day and his Reform party is going to bring back national pride and British jobs for British workers. Brexit? No, that was David Cameron’s fault.

Dress

I’m sorry but yes we have got frightfully scruffy over the years, but us men would like to improve things and dress like some of your snazzy French boys, so please feel free to take me and my fellow male scruffs to some Ralph Lauren-style shop and kit us out in well-fitted jeans, some suede slip-ons, a chunky belt, smart business shirt and a tight-fitting puffer jacket.

Bills

“Voulez-vous l’addition Monsieur?” “I thought I’d dealt with this issue. Non merci. Mon ami, over there, il payer le bill.”