Dear Richard Madeley: My girlfriend and her children are moving in and I’m crippled with anxiety

Dear Richard

My girlfriend is planning to move into my London flat but I am no longer sure that is right for us. Well, for me, anyway. We have been talking about living together for a while. She has finally sorted out the sale of the house she owned with her ex-husband, where she and her two boys are living. But as the moving date gets near, I can’t stop thinking about how my life will change and I don’t like it. Not so much because of my girlfriend, but more her kids. They are adorable and seem to like me; the problem is I feel like I know how to be their friend but don’t want to be their stepfather.

I am 47, never been married, no children. I’ve lived alone since I was 23. I am deeply in love with this woman, so why am I having second thoughts?

Is it just irrational fear?

— Alfredo, London SW5

Dear Alfredo

I suspect the clues to what’s behind this conundrum lie in the final paragraph of your letter. Your age, and the fact you’ve led a pretty uncommitted existence (in terms of relationships) up to this point.

You’ve lived alone for almost a quarter of a century with no live-in partner (or children) to be concerned about. Of course you’ve become set in your solitary ways. That’s not a crime; it’s not even a fault. It’s just the daily reality you inhabit.

But now here you stand, a man in his late 40s, at his very own midlife fork in the road. You have to make a decision: carry on as you are, which presumably means losing the woman you love and the chance of a whole new experience, or seize the moment, explore new opportunities, including building a loving, rewarding relationship with those children. I mention them last, but certainly not least. They are the crucial elements in this equation, Alfredo. Because both you and the woman you love must put them first. It’s not their fault their parents have divorced. They have no say in who their mother falls in love with. So you must be sure that you can deliver as their de facto stepfather.

I was in your position once. My future wife and I decided to take her twin boys – seven, at the time – on a fortnight’s holiday to Cornwall to see how we might rub along together from breakfast to bedtime. If they weren’t comfortable with me as a daily presence, our plans to live together would have to go on hold. Their happiness came first; ours second. It was as simple as that.

Like you, I already had a good relationship with the children and, thank God, the experiment was a success. I recommend you try something similar. And if it works out, then go for it. You have nothing to lose, except a life-changing opportunity – and not just for you!