Dear Richard Madeley: I bought my wife a necklace for her birthday – and she hasn’t worn it in weeks

Dear Richard

Over many years my wife has trained me to supply a gift receipt from one of a number of prescribed stores along with her annual birthday present, and more often than not, though not always, a substitution has been made a few days afterwards – generally for something more or less similar to my original choice. This year I saw a truly delightful necklace in an antique shop in Cornwall which I believed would suit my wife down to the ground, and bought it for cash on the nail. I dared to hope my romantic and quixotic gesture would be enough to offset its non-exchangeability.

How wrong I was. Her reaction was somewhere between nonplussed and actively sulky. At the time of writing it has gone unworn for three weeks, including at a late birthday dinner where it would have teamed perfectly with her dress – a fact I courageously pointed out, to resounding silence.

I feel a bit of a twit for having dared to think outside the box on this occasion, and needless to say I shall not be repeating the experiment. However, in the meantime, I feel as if some small thing has died in our relationship. Should I just accept this?

— Anon, Bucks

Dear Anon

Yes, I’m afraid I think you should. Her reaction may have disappointed you, but it can hardly have come as a surprise. She’s just being consistent. You say that over years, the pattern has become firmly established, a well-rehearsed, well-oiled ritual dance – one which I can assure you isn’t exclusive to your own marriage.

You give her a present. She smiles and thanks you. Then she takes it back to the store and exchanges it for something else. You don’t stand on your dignity and wallow in wounded pride; she gets what she really wants. Everyone’s happy.
Then this year, with the best of intentions, you go rogue. Surely she’ll like this one? What a gorgeous necklace! It’ll suit her perfectly!

But can’t you see what you’ve done? You’ve robbed her of the pleasure she takes in nuancing her gift (as you say, the replacement she chooses is usually a close relative of the original) and, I suppose, of the element of control she enjoys. You’ve broken an unspoken understanding. She feels  somehow cheated; injured. You trod on her toes in this year’s ritual dance.

I honestly don’t think that anything has ‘died’ in your relationship, Anon. Quite the contrary; I think something has merely been underlined, confirmed. You’re obviously a sweet and thoughtful man – but this year you went where angels fear to tread. Don’t be offended. Don’t nurse your hurt. Try to sell the necklace on, buy your wife something else, and this time pop that all-important little extra into the box – the gift receipt!

You can find more of Richard Madeley’s advice here or submit your own dilemma below.