The worst excuses for skiving off work
Have you ever lied to get out of coming into work? Apparently most of us have.
And the usual excuses are pretty unremarkable. From car trouble to flu, and children's illnesses to dental appointments, they're unlikely to raise any suspicions.
Some work excuses, though, are so extraordinary that it's hard to imagine how anybody would expect to get away with them.
Here, culled from Quora, are some of the most bizarre.
A housework malfunction
"He had dozens of dead relatives, and multiple ongoing problems with his car. But I think my favorite one was when he was waxing his kitchen floor, and waxed himself into a corner. Apparently he had to stand there for an hour until the wax dried." (Maura Rudd)
"I had a friend call in to me on my morning shift to tell me he was feeling ill and could I cover his lunch shift. Thankfully, my sous chef offered, so I get changed at 11 and roll on home. Who did I find in my kitchen having coffee with my then girlfriend? Him. They were in their underwear. Post coital." (David Mowbray)
"We didn't get a long lunch, it was usually right on a half hour and not worth going off-campus. But she drove home to her apartment across town, and we didn't hear from her for a couple more hours. Finally, she called and said, 'I came home and forgot I was working today. Can I just stay? Do I have to come back in?'" (Amorette Dye)
World of Warcraft...
"The craziest excuse that I have ever heard a co-worker use was that his World of Warcraft account was hacked. His 'Warlock's Tier 4 gear' was gone that he 'worked' on getting for months. A lot of his other valuable items were now on the Auction House and he had to find everything and try to get it all back." (Jason Desrosiers)
...and Pokemon Go
"Just recently, one coworker of mine was late because she forgot to bring her personal phone, and as a result she had to go back and retrieve it. 'I was incubating an egg in Pokemon Go, and I only needed a few hundred meters until I hatch it.'" (Les Emiko)
"'My llama gave birth last night.' This from an IT manager responsible for 36 programmers and QA staff at a billion-dollar company. She raised llamas in her spare time, so it was probably the truth. Even funnier, she didn't seem to think it was an unusual excuse! Sick kids and funerals can't be avoided, but she mentioned it as if HR gave everyone three 'live llama birth' days a year." (Thomas C. Mueller)
"'My wife is ovulating,' he said, 'I'm gonna be a little late while I make a baby.' We all knew that they were struggling to get pregnant... and we had a good laugh about it later when he showed up 20 minutes late." (Keith Albert)
"One woman in my office called in sick and explained she had been to a psychic the night before who told her she would never marry which gave her such bad diarrhea she couldn't come to work that day." (Lisa Carey)
"I heard this from a friend of mine, apparently his co-worker had alien acquaintances. So one day he was driving, when all of a sudden a bright light shone all over him and his car, the next thing he knows he and his car are in the air! He faints out of sheer amazement and wakes up two weeks later in his apartment." (Ret Sahcs)
"My employees excuse was, 'My jeans were frozen to the windshield.' She said her jeans were wet and she laid them on the windshield to dry, forgot them, and then it got cold overnight." (Alan Moll)
"I worked with a guy who called in at the last minute and said he wouldn't be there because he had driven in a circle around the place six times and just couldn't bring himself to pull into the parking lot." (Susan Keveny)
"He was late for work one day and his boss asked why. 'Someone took my donuts.' 'What?' 'I was standing on the subway platform and someone took my bag of donuts.' 'And... were you hurt?' 'No, but I had to wait for the police to come.' (Peter Flom)
"We are in Virginia. A coworker called in late in the middle of summer. He woke up late, called in and reused an excuse he'd used before... his pipes had frozen!" (Jeff Hawkins)
"One of my colleagues had a patch over his right eye and said that he was operated on. He brought an old medical certificate and overwrote the date on it. My manager enquired why the certificate said that the left eye was operated on, but he was having a patch on the right eye. My colleague responded: 'When the doctor inspects my eye, my right eye will be his left, and that is why the certificate says left eye!'" (Hari Narayanan)
"My aunt owns a limestone quarry. One of her lorry drivers called in to say that his wife had passed away the night before, and asked for a few days' worth of compassionate leave. My aunt told him to take as much time as he needed. After hanging up the phone, she decided to drive over and offer her condolences in person. The wife answered the door." (Ryan Chew)
"They moved the Flintstones to 8 o'clock, and so I can't leave the house until 8:30." (Jay Stark)
"Monday she did not show up because she said she had a dentist appointment that she had made the Friday before. The next day she didn't show up as well saying she forgot that her dentist appointment was on Tuesday not Monday. Wednesday she says she was too sore from a cleaning so she needed to stay home." (Alex Gutierrez)
"My left turn signal was out so I had to make all right turns to get to work." (Niketa Bhardwaj)
"One day, 'John' showed up at work an hour early. He came into my office and said, 'Chef, I can't work today'. I asked him what was wrong. His response was, "The stars in my zodiac aren't aligned - I really shouldn't leave the house today.' And he walked out of my office and proceeded to (presumably) go home." (Steven Sesar)
A talking cat
"A former co-worker, who was pretty punctual, didn't show up one morning. Finally, someone called her to find out what was going on, and woke her out of a sound asleep. When she got to work, she said "I know no one's going to believe me, but I dreamt that my cat told me it was Saturday, and to turn off my alarm and go back to sleep. So I did." (Alyson Bowler)
Dedication to the job
"We were at the fag end of a major product release. She doesn't turn up at the office for two days. The complete code she wrote was missing. When she eventually turned up, the reason she gave was 'I felt the work I did was substandard. I wanted to take couple of days off to evaluate things.'" (Molleti Vamshi)
"On his way to work, his story went, he had a bout of diarrhea and needed to return home to change his pants. Upon arriving home, he claims he found no clean pants because his mom hadn't done the laundry. So, he said, he disrobed and ran his jeans through the washer and then through the drier before putting them back on so he could come to work three hours late." (Jonathan Gano)
"'I superglued my eye shut thinking it was contact solution.' She missed a second half day because she 'got stuck in the blood pressure cuff at Rite Aid.'" (Carlo Becerra)
"There was a fellow at a former job of mine that had difficulty arriving to work on time. For a while he didn't have any excuses, but toward the end when he had been spoken to about the issue he came up with a rather novel excuse: 'My fish were stressed'." (Aaron Hickmann)
"The rule was that you needed to be able to get to the hospital within 30 minutes time. She called almost 20 minutes after we'd called her in, saying that she couldn't come because she couldn't find her bra." (Carrie Pandya)
"The beauty salon forgot to paint my little toe on my right foot so I had to return." (Ray Julian)
"We had an intern who couldn't come into the office because her kitten was going through puberty and was getting all angsty and couldn't be left alone. The next day, said intern showed up with scratches on her forearms that were apparently made by angsty kitten." (Rynnah Lim)
The end of the world
"We live in one of the notches in the bible belt. About 20 years ago I had a paralegal come to me and say she was quitting. I asked why... Her husband was a preacher and had been studying the bible, he determined the world was going to end next Friday. They had to prepare." (Mark Hrutkay)