As a newly divorced mom, I hated the holidays. A decade later, Christmas is my most freeing time of year.
I used to hate the holidays. As a newly divorced mom of three, it felt more like work and dread than fun and celebration. The wounds from my divorce were raw and I was struggling with an exaggerated case of mom pity. Poor me, I thought, I have to do all of the shopping, wrapping and surprising by myself. There was mom guilt, too: I wanted to drown my kids in gifts and fun to make up for the fact that they would never again spend Christmas with their mother and their father at the same time. My attempt to cover the pain with things brought so much self-inflicted pressure. Envy consumed me. Self-pity took over. Gratitude was non-existent.
The early post-divorce years are tough for dads, too. Andy Heller, author of Take the High Road: Divorce with Compassion for Yourself and Your Family, had a 6 and 8 year old when he divorced eight years ago. "Logistically everything is more challenging when splitting into two households," says Heller. "[Parents are] dealing with custodial time splits, so a big factor is simply creating a logistical situation that enables holiday observances."
Heller, like me, struggled with the new dynamic, but he was "determined to create a memorable holiday experience for [his] children." With time, both Heller and I have learned to embrace and love the holidays as divorced parents. In fact, I now love being divorced during the holidays. Here are some of the reasons why:
Balance
As a shared-custody divorcée, I have the best of both worlds: part-time single woman and part-time mom of three. When the kids are at dad's house, I get to sleep late, watch Netflix, fold the laundry or dance around my kitchen in my underwear. Balance is built into my life and that is a blessing I do not take for granted when those bells start to jingle. Heller shares the sentiment, noting, "there is ample time to take care of business needs, shop, travel or otherwise be a bit selfish [when you're divorced]." An added benefit of this built-in balance? The gift of presence. Heller says he's "more available and clocked-in when [his] kids are with" him and that may be the most valuable holiday gift of all.
Serenity
You want to know what I remember about the holidays as a married woman? Fighting. Lots of fighting. I would throw a fit because he didn't help wrap the presents. He would be outraged at the amount of money I spent on a Barbie Dream House. He wanted to spend the day at his parents' house and I couldn't find it in my heart to compromise on my holiday dinner plans. There is something beautiful and freeing about making all of the holiday decisions on my own now. Heller refers to it as "the ability to control the household energy," and truer words have never been spoken in my humble, divorced opinion: I have not had a holiday argument in 11 blissful years and that, my friends, equals peace and joy.
Tradition
When I got divorced, some traditions died altogether. Others transformed into new and improved versions. Heller actively sought out new traditions post-divorce. Tuning into his creative juices, he "reached out to [his] children's elementary school and offered to come in and create a 'Hanukkah experience.'" Heller read the Hanukkah story to his children's classes and then "explained the dreidel game, divided the class into groups and gave them dreidels and pennies to play." Heller says creating new traditions, "helped the kids become more comfortable alone with dad."
Love
My younger, married self hadn't mastered the art of self-love. There was a hole in my heart I tried to fill with all the wrong things. I desperately needed the approval of others, I believed material things equaled happiness and I ate and drank unhealthy amounts to feel fulfilled. I lost sight of the spiritual side of the holidays. I lacked gratitude and humility and I never thought about other people. Somewhere along the bumpy path of redefining my family and myself, I filled that hole with self-acceptance, love, compassion and a spiritual connection that now keeps me grounded. I learned to love myself unconditionally. I forgave myself for a lot of wrongs and started holding myself accountable. This version of me knows what the holidays are truly about.
Ten years have passed since my Grinch days. This year, I will wake up alone on Christmas morning. The house will be quiet. I will sleep late, sip coffee quietly and start my day with a prayer of gratitude as I wait for pictures of my kids (from my ex) to pop up — a new tradition. Next year the kids will wake up at my house, bringing a different set of traditions. Today I can be in the moment and accept it all. Today, I love it all.
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