Stephen Colbert on Stormy Daniels testimony: ‘The jury got to see her spank him in real time’
Late-night hosts recapped an embarrassing day for Donald Trump in court, as Stormy Daniels took to the witness stand for a second time.
Stephen Colbert
Stormy Daniels continued her witness testimony at Donald Trump’s criminal hush-money trial on Thursday, only to “face some blistering cross-examination from Trump’s attorneys, who did everything in their power to discredit Daniels”, said Stephen Colbert on the Late Show.
“But this was not her first rodeo. And they would’ve known that had they seen her movie My Third Rodeo,” he joked.
According to the New York Times, Trump’s lawyers sought to portray Daniels as a “money-grubbing, sleazy, dishonest operator” by attacking her social media posts and merchandise sales. “And for more on why it’s so wrong to be a sleazy, money-grubbing merch seller, please buy my God Bless America Donald Trump Bible,” said Colbert, doing his best Trump impression.
Trump’s lawyers also tried to get Daniels to admit that, as an adult film star, she had embellished her encounter with the former president. Daniels replied that if her night with Trump had been made up, “I would have written it to be a lot better.”
“Damn, so in addition to hearing about it, the jury got to see her spank him in real time,” said Colbert.
One of Trump’s lawyers, Susan Necheles, tried a different tack: “Even though you had agreed that you would not discuss this supposed story… you then decided that you wanted to publicly say that you had sex with Donald Trump.”
Daniels responded: “No, nobody would ever want to publicly say that.”
“It is true, no one wants to admit to having sex with Donald Trump,” Colbert added. “That is why on Don Jr’s birth certificate the father is listed as ‘no comment’.”
Jimmy Kimmel
“It was quite a day to be a stenographer,” said Jimmy Kimmel of Trump’s trial. “These are actual phrases that were used in court today: ‘human toilet’, ‘orange turd’ and ‘make America horny again’. Print those out and hang them on the Smithsonian wall.
“Trump’s lawyers are still going with this ‘he didn’t have sex with her’ fairytale,” he continued. “This is a guy who’s been sued hundreds of times for not paying plumbers, for stiffing dishwashers, waiters, painters, bartenders, even his own lawyers. We’re supposed to believe he handed a $130,000 check to a porn star for no reason?
“It’s funny that while Trump’s lawyers are throwing their backs out trying to convince the jury that she made this whole sex thing up, Ted Cruz is on Fox defending Trump by saying the opposite,” he added, citing the Texas senator’s latest appearance, where he claimed: “There is no person on planet Earth who believes Donald Trump has been celibate all his life. That is not news. But they want to drag him through the gutter because this is a political smear job.”
“Thanks Ted! That’s going to make Mother’s Day with Melania really fun this year,” Kimmel deadpanned.
Seth Meyers
“The party of so-called family values is still acting like Trump paying off a porn star is no big deal, because everyone knows that Trump is gross,” said Seth Meyers on Late Night, also referring to Cruz’s comments on Fox News.
“First of all, a smear job is one of the things Trump paid hush money to cover up,” Meyers responded. “It’s not news that Trump isn’t celibate, but again – Trump is getting the same backhanded compliment. ‘This trial is ridiculous, I mean really, does it surprise anyone that Donald Trump is a dirty dog? The man is a sex-crazed maniac! I once saw him hump a flag in broad daylight.’”
Despite Cruz’s spin attempts, Meyers said, “every day, the trial somehow gets more humiliating both for Trump and for the political movement that has elevated him”.
Trump’s lawyers, he noted, tried to paint Daniels as someone solely motivated by money, yet she maintained that no one would want to publicly admit they had sex with Trump. “And Trump just has to sit there!” said Meyers. “This trial is just like some sort of insane Japanese gameshow where the contestant has to see how long he can sit there in silence while everyone he knows says awful shit about him.
“The only way this trial could be more painful for Trump is if they introduced a physical element, where every time Stormy testifies he gets shocked by two electrodes attached to his balls,” he added. “Which at least would keep him from falling asleep.”
