Audi A7 long term report: You raise me up, so I can...look like an idiot


An interesting thing has emerged, literally, during our time with the A7.

It's the retractable spoiler. When it's up, the back of the car looks like this...

And when it's not up...

...Hmm. Don't have a picture of the back of the car without the spoiler lifted. Spoiler is always up.

The way I see it, spoilers are awesome in all most forms, so when a car has a spoiler button, to not press it immediately after getting into the car is the same as not hitting 'collect winnings' immediately after seeing jackpot signs on a fruit machine. WIN!

But some people have taken issue with this. The A7's spoiler lifts automatically when the car hits 80mph, and it goes back down again below 50mph. So, 80- to 50mph is a specific speed window approved by Germany, in which the spoiler will best improve aerodynamic efficiency.

Outside that chunk of velocity, the spoiler, presumably, hinders efficiency rather than aids it.

But worse than that, with the spoiler lifted at non-German-approved speeds, the A7 "looks ridiculous," according to a friend of mine. Yikes.

But if this one exact circumstance is the only time the spoiler should be up, why put the button there? This button:

Imagine the following conversation:

"Check out my new Audi. It's amazing. It has...spoiler."

"Well where is it?"

"It's hidden."

"Can I see it?"

"Obviously not. Germany says that it should only be lifted from 80mph or something, to do with aerodynamic efficiency and that."

"What does that button do over there?"

"Lifts the spoiler."

"Can I touch it?"



"Because a spoiler is not a fashion accessory."

"Then why put the button there?"



"Get out of my Audi."

So that concludes the debate. If a car has a spoiler button, you have to press it...or do you?

Imagine you were a man (if you're not already a man), and were the owner of a boy band specification six pack. Many grueling hours you've spent sat on that machine in the gym, making toilet noises. And now, finally, you've rid yourself of the wobbling mound that your moobs used to rest on top of.

That's good. Healthy. Your gut is strong. But would you then walk around wearing a crop top or constantly using one hand to hoist up your t-shirt as you were walking around?

No, you wouldn't. It'd be enough for you to know that you've got the goods, and that you could call on them whenever they were legitimately needed: you're invited to an impromptu sit-up competition, for example, or someone specifically asks to touch them.

Constantly getting your six pack out, to make yourself feel all superior to the fatties, would clearly make you a complete and utter...

...Oh no. Time to tape over that spoiler button.