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How to be a better lover in six simple steps

Couple in bed to illustrate an article on advice for being a better lover.
Most of us could do with some tips on upping our between-the-sheets game. Here, experts share their best advice for being a better lover. (Getty Images) (Westend61 via Getty Images)

Whether it’s to improve your relationship or to spice things up in the bedroom, most of us aim to find ways to be a better lover, no matter what stage your relationship is in.

We've asked experts for their best advice on keeping the romance alive in the bedroom – both emotionally and sexually.

1. Make them feel wanted

"This is one of the biggest turn-ons," says Ness Cooper, therapist and clinical sexologist for "It not only adds to arousal and sexual anticipation, but it can help to build positive neural networks in the brain, meaning it's easier for your partner to associate you with desiring them."

So, how does one make their partner feel wanted? "Some may find a simple text, or whispering 'I want you' is enough," Cooper explains.

"Others may crave more, such as being reminded of times you enjoyed having sex together in the past and how you hope to have a similar experience like that in the future with them."

2. Nip bedroom-confidence zappers in the bud

You know the things that make you feel self-conscious? Any unusual, intimate smell for example, feeling out of shape for you, or simply worrying you really must get round to tidying up down there.

Don’t ignore these sex-life confidence zappers, says Chengi Tobun, founder of The Black Swan Relationship Academy. "If there is anything that can affect your confidence in the bedroom, take it seriously and deal with it," she stresses.

"Because even if your partner loves it (but you don't), it will affect your presence and performance.

“It's easy to minimise how we feel about this sort of thing, because of social pressure to 'love ourselves as we are'. But, whilst that’s a very important message it doesn't have to apply to things that are subject to change. Many things can be handled nutritionally, in the gym or medically. Don't be afraid to confront your discomfort because it will show up in your bedroom and relationship at large."

Naked couple enjoying intimacy.
Being wanted is one of the biggest turn-ons, according to one expert. (Getty Images) (Prostock-Studio via Getty Images)

3. Address resentments

There’s no passion killer like anger and bitterness. "Work to resolve conflict and dissolve resentments," says Lohani Noor, author of 12 Steps to Sexual Connection.

"Resentments are a key factor in withholding sex. If your partner is angry, upset or disappointed with you, they are much more likely to withhold sex or be less generous in their sexual availability."

4. Tap into your emotions

"Add emotions to your all-over foreplay," says Cooper. "As you share physical touch, echo what emotions - not just physical sensations - come up for you. Sharing what it makes you feel when giving or receiving, can help us build better sexual confidence and even body image, as well as allowing you to teach each other about your likes and dislikes within the bedroom."

5. Forget about ‘goals’

It’s not all about the big O, people. "Let go of trying to get anywhere and instead, be present with your partner and attuned to what they want and desire in the moment," says trauma informed sexologist, Madalaine Munro.

"When you are present in the moment, instead of fixating on orgasm, it can expand the possibilities of pleasure and with practice lead to new neural pathways of pleasure."

6. Learn about your own body

"The more you know about yourself and your sexual function, the better you’ll be be at communicating your sexual needs to your partner," Noor explains.

"So, learn about your body explore your genitals, become familiar with how they look and feel. Learn how to bring yourself to orgasm and understand something about what physical changes occur in your own body during sex. Communicating what you need to your partner, will give them permission to do the same in return, generating an open honest and satisfying experience."