Ten of the funniest Amazon reviews

london  uk   february 06  2015  ...

If you shop much on Amazon, the chances are that you've checked out a few reviews before making a purchase.

If other customers have had a particularly good experience - or a terrible one - it can help you make up your mind. Generally speaking, it's not something you'd do for entertainment.

Some reviews, though, are downright hilarious. We look at a few of the best.

Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer
"This is so convenient since my family hid all the knives from me. You stab one person and suddenly you can't slice your own bananas anymore."

"As shown in the picture, the slices is curved from left to right. All of my bananas are bent the other way."

"This is much faster than my guillotine, easier to clean than my table saw and much quieter and cleaner than running my chain saw in the kitchen. I don't how I've lived without this!"

Tuscan Dairy Whole Vitamin D Milk
"I thought I'd save a little money on this product so I clicked on the 'Order it used' button. Boy, was that a mistake! When new, this product is just fine. When used, it's almost undrinkable."

"This is a fine milk, but the product line appears to be limited in available colors. I could only find white."

BIC Cristal For Her Ball Pen
"Someone has answered my gentle prayers and FINALLY designed a pen that I can use all month long! I use it when I'm swimming, riding a horse, walking on the beach and doing yoga. It's comfortable, leak-proof, non-slip and it makes me feel so feminine and pretty!"

"I was disappointed to find that only one fifth of the pens I received were pink. Or, maybe more, I can't do maths."

"I can't do it! Are you sure these are for women? They seem very complicated."

Box Canvas Print of Paul Ross
"Don't buy this picture. It looks fine on the website, but the one they send you is upside-down. My wife hasn't stopped crying for a week."

"If you only buy one 20 inch canvas print of Paul Ross this year, this is the one to get."

"I recently purchased this poster, and while it's lifelike, well made and had a certain, portly charm to it, I have since found out that it's actually cheaper to hire Paul Ross to come over and stand against a wall, whenever you feel the need to look at him."

The Holy Bible: King James Version
"For those of you who don't know, this is God's second novel after the Old Testament. It's a marked improvement, in my opinion... That said, there is still vast room for improvement. Plot wise, there isn't really much suspense, and the story can be incredibly repetitive."

Wenger 16999 Swiss Army Knife Giant
"I tried to file my nails, but in the process I accidentally fixed a small engine that was near by. Which was nice."

"All functions and features work well. The electron microscope, while damaged, still needs alignment, as it doesn't magnify nearly enough, but it did discover water on Mars, and with the pulse generator/sampler was able to discern the salinity, however due to the shipping damage the saline content is inaccurate."

"I've always wanted to own a pocket knife that was too large to fit in my pocket and here it is!"

UFO-02 Detector
"I don't know if this is a scam or if mine was broken, but it doesn't work and I am still getting abducted by UFOs on a regular basis."

"Works as advertised, insofar as that goes. But I recommend you DO NOT put two of these near one another. I'm still trying to find the rest of my house, and I still can't get the cat out of the wormhole's event horizon."

Aluminium Foil 18"
"This is amazing. It's like paper but made of metal. METAL for gods sake! They call it foil, dunno how they make it, probably magic or by a blacksmith with a massive hammer. And all for less than the price of a train ticket to Blackpool, probably."

"I love this product, I've used it to wrap around most of my belongings (phone, shoes, car, cat) and now everyone thinks I'm well rich because I own loads of silver things. It even got me a wife."

Playmobil Security Check Point
"This toy would be a lot more realistic with about 350 people standing in line for an average of an hour. It still makes a nice set with the interrogation room."

"I was sadly disappointed to find that the first time I combined it with the Calais Illegal Immigrant set, the scanner failed, and I now have 8000 unregistered aliens in my child's toy box, claiming asylum. Please rectify."

Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Cream
"Excellent product. Most prisoners confessed within five minutes of the first application. Can recommend."

"On the positive side I can report the following unexpected benefits: my pain threshold has almost trebled. I can now pass urine in three positions: standing, sitting and curled in a ball weeping."

8 Amazon Reviews That Perfectly Sum Up Products

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Supermarket shopping mistakes
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Ten of the funniest Amazon reviews

The supermarkets invest in enormous shopping trolleys, and then put bulky special offers by the door - like packs of beer or enormous cereal boxes.

The idea is to tempt you into taking a big trolley, because tests have shown that it’s likely to make us buy more. Martin Lindstrom, author of Brandwashed, found that by doubling the size of trolleys, customers would buy 19% more.

This is a disaster for a couple of reasons. The first is that you’ll end up buying things you don’t need - because you already have plenty in the fridge or the cupboard. You’d be surprised how many people come home with tomatoes every week, then throw out the ones that have gone rotten in the fridge. They'll do this every single week without ever spotting that they don’t eat as many tomatoes as they think they do.

The other problem is that you’ll end up forgetting things, and have to go back to the store, which will leave you susceptible to the next common mistake.

Apparently we’re giving up the weekly grocery shop in favour of a number of trips to different stores to pick up bargains.

If you do this right, it can be a great way to save. However, if you don’t plan it properly, you’re just giving yourself more opportunities to buy on impulse.

In the book ‘America’s Cheapest Family’ the authors claim that more than 50% of what we buy in store is on impulse. The authors actually only go to the supermarket once a month to cut back on impulse purchases.

If you browse at eye-level using your peripheral vision, that’s where you’ll find the expensive brands.

Look around at the top and bottom of the shelves for the own-brand versions or the cheaper brands - and try out the cheaper versions of your usual shopping.

Aside from Christmas, stores will play quiet and relaxing music, with a slow tempo. This is designed to make you shop more slowly, and take the time to spot the impulse buys.

If you put headphones on and play something with a faster tempo (it doesn't have to be any particular type of music), then you’ll pick up the tempo, and studies have shown you’ll buy around 29% less.

On the one hand, if you do the maths, you might find that buying a larger pack means that each packet of crisps or can of coke costs less. However, Vestcom, a retail services company, has found that when we buy bigger packets, we consume more.

It means that when you’re buying things like toilet rolls and washing powder, straightforward maths will tell you the cheapest size to buy. When it comes to crisps and drinks, consider carefully whether you will just end up eating and drinking more.

Sometimes that big red sticker is a great discount on something you need: usually its not.

Don’t let special offers tempt you into buying things you don’t need, and don't assume that anything with a big red sticker is a bargain. It’s worth taking your receipt from your previous shop with you when you go shopping, so you can easily compare whether the new price is a good discount or not.

The end of the aisle gets more of our attention, because it's where we need to turn the trolley, so we’re going slower.

However, this isn’t always where the stores put the incredible bargains. They often sell these positions to companies trying to promote a particular product. When the company has the budget to spend on this sort of promotion, it means they may not necessarily be the cheapest option.

If your cheese has been grated, your salad washed, or your carrots chopped, then you’ll pay the price for it.

Not only will you pay significantly more for your shopping, but in many cases you'll get an inferior product too. Grated cheese has additives to stop it sticking, for example, while bagged salad will go brown significantly faster than a head of lettuce.

Frozen food is often far cheaper, so people assume it’s likely to be inferior. However, the fresh fish at the counter has often been frozen, so you’re gaining nothing for paying more here - in fact you're losing out because you have to use it up more quickly.

The other things that are well worth considering are frozen vegetables. These are much cheaper than fresh vegetables, and are often frozen at the peak of their freshness, so are better for you too.

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