Autoblog's motoring predictions for 2012
2011 has been a varied year. We've had births, deaths, motor racing wins and some tragic losses. But now, as we creep towards 2012 we think it's time to look forward and see what the next year has in store for us. Will we end up with a new Ferrari? Will Ford break its sales records? Do you honestly think we could guess that? Have a look at what we think might happen in 2012...
Range Rover Evoque to be elected Prime Minister
Following its incredible sales success in 2011, the people of middle England (and Fulham. And Chelsea) will call for the multi-award-winning automotive messiah to run the country. Why? Because they want the shiny shiny Range to dictate not only where they go, but how to spend their money, what their children learn and whether it's ok to be publically rude about France again. The Evoque's satellite navigation will make the big decisions, while the SUV's CPU will run the economy. It's thought that the Evoque's processing power is more than four times that of George 'Gideon' Osbourne.
New BMW 3-Series wins at 'cars'
BMW's new 3 Series has been dubbed 'the best yet', which must be exciting for the firm. But in 2012, after it hits UK roads, the media, Twitter and Facebook will declare it the winner out of all the cars. You see, the 3 Series' balance, new engine line-up and chunkier stance will strike a chord with everyone in the UK, even the members of Brake, and it'll be declared the bestest ever. Jaguar's E-Type will be reduced to being a 'has been' and left to rot.
Proton will make a desirable car
Proton has been in existence since 1983. That's a long time. That's over a decade longer than, say, Smart, or even Eterniti. After years of making pups, the Malaysian firm has learned something about how not to make a car, so they'll create something good. Taking the newly refreshed MG on won't be an easy task, though, so they'll call in their friends at Lotus to develop it. Properly this time, not like the 'Savvy'.
Audi to simplify its range
Many things exist purely to confuse. Kant's theory of moral relativism, for one. Pi is another. Audi's massive range of cars is one of the larger ones. We love Audis, we really do, but the German firm has such a large range we occasionally get a tad confuzzled by it. We remember the days when the A4 was the saloon/Avant model and the A5 was a coupé/convertible. The A7 was mere glint in Audi's eye. Now it's all become a little complicated. The A1 will be renamed 'Small', the A3 'A Bit Bigger' and so on until we get to the A8, which will simply be called 'The Daddy'. We have no idea why.
Global cars will be banned
Governments the world over will realise that building a car for everyone is akin to trying to make Top Gear pleasing for everyone – nigh on impossible – so will ban them once and for all. You see, they'll realise that trying to make a car full of tech for one region of the planet but cheap enough to appeal to another is very difficult and usually results in a slightly bland end product. Or a Nissan Micra. As a result, each nation will have its own bespoke vehicles on offer.
People might realise that Jeremy Clarkson isn't the devil
We can't be sure on this one, but we hope that people finally realise that Top Gear's Clarkson isn't, in fact, Satan, but a man who is paid to make opinions, be loud and shock people. Sometimes, just sometimes, things aren't as black and white as they seem... This revelation may come at the same time the public realises that violent video games aren't a bad influence and are only 'freely available' if parents buy age-limited titles for their children.
Sebastian Vettel won't win EVERY F1 race
He's young, very talented and has his two index fingers fused into a point. He's also not going to win next year. As McLaren, Ferrari and Mark Webber slink off to their respective Bat Caves until March next year, Vettel gets to hug his massive trophy as he falls asleep. This angers the others, so much so that they're going to work harder, build faster cars and always remember to eat their Shreddies. Or they could just kill him. Either or.
White van men won't speed anywhere
2012 will see the dawn of a new era of peace: white van men won't speed, tailgate or swear at any other road users. This comes after a nation's worth of van drivers realise that they don't have to be late if they leave earlier, tailgating other road users is wrong and swearing at drivers is plain antisocial. Oh, and illegal.
Vauxhall will become the premium brand it always wanted to be
The Griffin has been making noises that it "wants to eat at the nice restaurants" and "wouldn't mind meeting the Audis next door for a drink". It wants to be a premium brand. With hopes that the Astra GTC will be 'the one' to launch it into Scirocco-baiting territory, Vauxhall has been disappointed. Well, until 2012 when the subtle, understated Astra VXR will subtly roll into view. Yes, it'll be subtle.
The Wii will get a decent racing game*
No. This will never happen. Ever.
*That isn't Mario Kart
Saab PhoeniX concept to gain sentience, burn down Saab factory
The 2011 Geneva Motor Show saw some cracking concepts see the light of day. One such car was the much-criticised Saab PhoeniX. Some thought it doesn't look enough like a Saab should; some just thought it was pointless. No matter, in 2012 it'll gain sentience, wake up in its tiny garage, trundle to the main factory floor and, like a prisoner having a dirty protest, burst into flames and take the whole facility down. When the blaze has been extinguished there will be nothing left other than a slightly charred Saab supermini. No one will know where it came from or what to do with it, but it might give someone a decent idea.
The motorist will get a fair deal
We get it rough, don't we? High fuel prices, big VED bills, insurance going through the roof, etc, etc. The list goes on and on. 2012 will be known as the year when the government lowered fuel tax so the populace could get around more easily. We're remember it as the year when car insurance stopped being so bum clenchingly expensive and teenagers could actually afford to buy and insure their first cars. Yes. That will happen. Or... fuel will go up and by the end of 2012 we'll be shelling out £2.00 a litre for motion lotion while we remortgage our houses to pay for a year's insurance on our kids' Corsas. Either or.
Likelihood: 0/5 or 5/5