10 Reasons Why People Don't Work at Work

Chilling outWhen you look into an average office, everyone seems to be very busy doing important things. Don't let this fool you. Most people are busy doing nothing. Here's why:

No Instructions
Everyone at work is now so empowered and so completely responsible for all their own decisions that we've now reached the stage where we haven't a clue what we're doing. No-one's told us what to do for years. We've had all the coaching, the training and the motivational speakers, but we can't actually find any instructions anywhere. Orders are generally very helpful when you're meant to be doing something but management wouldn't want to interfere with your personal creativity and initiative by giving you any specific directions. You only find out what you were supposed to be doing in your appraisal six months later.

Cutting Edge Technology
Just when you've worked out how the old technology works, they get rid of it and install some spanking new stuff that does everything in the universe except the useful thing the old one did. It's called cutting edge technology because if you use it you'll get rather badly hurt. Experts have calculated that every time a server goes down, productivity sky rockets as people are forced to do meaningful work and go and talk to each other.

Blame Europe
If occasionally you see people looking blankly at a screen for hours at a time (and they don't work in IT) you can put the blame squarely on the European Union. One of the major contributions of the European Commission has been to reduce the working week to just 35 hours. This means for the other forty hours a week we all have to spend in the office, we just have to sit around doing nothing just like French farmers.

Leisure Hangover
When you've been out partying to four o'clock in the morning, the last thing you want to do when you get to work is some tricky reconciliation of accounts. What you want to do instead is position yourself carefully in front of your computer and then sleep there all morning with your eyes half open balancing your whole bodyweight on your mouse. It takes at least two days to recover after the average weekend hard partying so you shouldn't really think about looking seriously at doing some work until Wednesday morning at the earliest.

Leisure Preparation
The only reason Friday isn't officially part of the weekend is because if it were then no-one would work on Thursday either. Just as you can't start work without easing yourself in gently, so you can't just relax on the weekend without decelerating gently by doing almost nothing on Friday. It's probably best to do nothing on Friday morning because Thursday evenings are normally when you go out for drinks with people in the office. This means that Friday mornings become like little mini-Monday mornings. Take it easy until lunchtime which is then the traditional start of the British weekend.

You don't like it
Some people only experience job satisfaction in the revolving doors out of the office. Many jobs are extremely dull and repetitive and could be done by small animals. Indeed the only reason they aren't done by small animals is that your boss would never employ anything that wasn't prepared to laugh at his jokes. The only thing that makes most jobs worthwhile is the people you work with and, as you can see them a lot better down the pub or out at lunch, why prolong the agony at your desk?

It's the System
Over the years many organisations have worked out ways of doing things that cost a fortune, frustrate everybody, damage the product and piss off the customer. As it's taken so long to build up this system it's safe to assume that this is the best possible way of doing things and the last thing you want to do is to change it. It's much better that it's left completely alone even if that means many people spending half their day sitting around like lemons listening to phones ringing, systems crashing and cries of pain from the factory floor.

It's too Dangerous
The office is one of the most unhealthy and dangerous places to work outside Afghanistan. If you don't believe this ask yourself why everybody is so obsessed with Health and Safety. There are dangers everywhere. Look at what vending machine coffee does to carpet tiles and then ask yourself what it's doing inside you. When companies talk about natural wastage they don't mean voluntary redundancy, they mean accidents with the shredder. If work means leaving the relative safety of your desk think twice before doing it.

Web Time
Thanks to the internet you can be busy at the computer all day and have done nothing but chat to your friends, go shopping and book a holiday. It would be unfair to expect you to do all this at home because that's when you're out having fun with your friends. In fact work is probably the only time you can absolutely guarantee all your friends will be on Facebook so it really is rude not to make yourself available for an online party. Those work emails can wait. After all, nothing happened when you ignored all the ones you got last week.

Increasing Efficiency
Experience shows that the more you do, the more likely you are to make a mistake. And the more mistakes you make the more you get in trouble and the more things go wrong. On the other hand the less you do the fewer mistakes you make and the more you become a reliable safe pair of hands. In fact if you really do nothing at all, there's every chance you'll get promotion on the strength of it. If you really feel an overwhelming need to actually do something, simply go round the business empowering other people to do things. Do this and you're well on your way to becoming a managing director.

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