Absurdonomics -- vegetables vs. bears
Fortunately in this world of constantly shifting headlines and news cycles there is always another opportunity to strike gold among the unexpected.
We at Absurdonomics make it our business to offer you three such chances every week, and to hold ourselves to account. Since we derive that advice from the weirdest, funniest and least-likely-to-be-true headlines on the Internet, you can be sure you won't receive it anywhere else.
Woman Fends Off 14-Stone Bear With Corguette
The news that a woman in America successfully defended her honour, and her spleen, from the vicious teeth of a great bear with nothing more than a humble courgette at her side has set the Internet alight this week.
But what financial predictions can we take from this happiest of headlines?
First, I think we can dispense of all investments in any tourism company that makes money sending people into the Arena of Red Teeth and Claws, that which is known in some quarters as the 'natural world' (shudder).
Retreat, retreat, gather your money from these dealers of doom.
Instead we recommend you exchange your cash for a solid investment in the vegetable industry.
"Is that it?"
There -- before you have even vocalised your response I have anticipated your disappointment. But be reassured -- I am not suggesting merely handing over your money to the cucumber farmer or his supermarket conglomerate bedfellow. No, nothing so simple as this.
Indeed, while sales of the humble cucumber and marrow will perhaps increase among the safety conscious bear-baiters as a result of this tale, we have grander targets in our sights.
The Plan: Total Bear-Veg Replacement
To explain, let us travel back through the imagination to the windy, forested hillside upon which the woman was attacked by the hungry bear. In this case she managed to fuse the vegetable with her terror and conjure an escape. But what if, instead, she had failed? Well then, disaster. The woman would have been so much food for the bears, rivers and crows. Teeth, blood, nasty things ensue.
However, imagine instead what might have occurred if, walking pleasantly on the hill, the woman were to find herself attacked again, but this time not by a bear but by a giant, ravenous vegetable?
Happy days! Even if her defense failed the best her assailant could do would he to jump on top of her and slowly decompose over the course of a fortnight. Danger is eliminated.
Thus it is proven that we must do all we can to bring this vision into life. As a result I propose a large, healthy injection of funds into the bio-genetic modification industry, so that a new range of synthetic, modified vegetable-based wildlife can be established and used to replace the all-together toothier-than-is-optimal fauna that currently populate the wilderness.
This will of course necessitate the wholesale removal of the current animal kingdom. I recommend they be placed onto some sort of ark and sent to sea, just to prove once and for all whether Noah was full of crap or not.
The news this week that fat babies grow up to have more sex than normal, and thus produce more fat babies in turn, indicates that encouraging the running-away-from and eventually consumption-of giant vegetables might have some positive health impact, That surely only proves the case for this plan even further?
Invest away, dear reader. Glory, and a vegan-friendly savanna of lettuce-lions and tomato-zebras, awaits.
Action: Invested €1,000,000 in Bayer CropScience, subsidiary of Bayer AG (ETR:BAYN) at 51.99
Check back next week to see how much wealth we created from our gamble on the production of a new genus of deadly vegetables.