'Sex-masochism', 'fat man' and 'Mr Mike Smalling' - Van Gaal's best quotes as Manchester United manager


Louis van Gaal was sacked as Manchester United manager on Monday just two days after lifting the FA Cup at Wembley.

While his side too often have produced some forgettable football during his two years in charge, the inimitable Dutchman's remarks in the media will live a little longer in the memory.

From "horny" players and "fat" journalists to sex-masochism and Mr Mike Smalling, here are some of Van Gaal's best one-liners during his time at OId Trafford...


"The most important difference is that I am training the players, not in the legs, but in the brain, in brain power." - Van Gaal explains part of his "philosophy" (July 26, 2014)

"I have never had an experience when you lose or draw at home when they are applauding you. They were very important in my first six months."-  A tribute to the fans after some disappointing early results (December 31, 2014)

"I said I was squeezing my ass, but that's the wrong expression. I was twisting my ass." - Van Gaal leans on club great Alex Ferguson's 'squeaky bum time' (January 22, 2015)

"When you have 60 per cent ball possession do you think that you can do that with long balls? I give it to you, you copy it and you go to big Sam." - Van Gaal presents a dossier in response to Sam Allardyce's 'long-ball United' jibe (February 10, 2015)

"The fans are shouting every week 'LOUIS VAN GAAL'S ARMY!'" - The manager feels plenty of support  - and gives his own rendition (February 10, 2015)

"We played the best match of the season. You don't think so? It's good that you want to know what I think."- One reporter's questions are given short shrift following a draw with Chelsea (April 19, 2015)

"I have said to you that you are the best fans of the world but I was tonight a little bit disappointed. And I shall say why. I have seen a lady who plays the saxophone fantastically. Give her a big applause!" - Some instructions at the end-of-season awards ceremony (May 19, 2015)

"Last year, the third captain was Mr Mike Smalling."- An awkward moment for Chris Smalling, sitting alongside his manager (July 21, 2015)

"For me, Liverpool is a fantastic club. Because I have won every game against Liverpool." - Van Gaal can't resist a dig at the old enemy after a 3-1 victory (September 12, 2015)

"You have an expression in England and it is, 'Sticks and stones can break my bones, but names can never hurt me'. It is a fantastic expression. Why is he saying something? The benefit of the club, or the benefit of himself?" - On Paul Scholes' criticism of his team's style (October 30, 2015)

"I'm from a time where you [the head coach] did everything. Now I'm the manager and I have a sports science department, a scouting department, a medical department, assistant managers, assistant coaches. I don't do anything... nothing! I delegate. I delegate and I earn a lot of money.' - A frank assessment of modern coaching (November 18, 2015)

"The pressure was higher when I was starting out as a manager because I had more to lose then but, no, that doesn't affect my hunger or desire now because I don't want to finish my career with the club sacking me." - On speculation his time at the club was almost up (December 19, 2015)

"Has anybody in this room not a feeling to apologise to me? That's what I am wondering. I think I was already sacked, I have read. Or have been sacked." - Frustrated by speculation over his job, Van Gaal wishes the media "merry Christmas and a nice mince pie" before storming from a press conference (December 23, 2015)

"There are matches that I have enjoyed and there are also matches where I'm very bored or angry because we are not disorganising our opponent's defence, but that is football." - The man himself admits his own system is dull as dishwater (January 11, 2016)

"We don't speak about Wayne Rooney, you have criticised him. I don't - you! [pointing at journalist Neil Custis] You too, fat man!" - One reporter bears the brunt after questions over Rooney's form (January 13, 2016)

"A lot of times I use the word 'horny' with my players." - Van Gaal encourages a new kind of attitude among his squad (February 24, 2016)

"It's not in the books that somebody has to grab the hair. Only in sex-masochism. Then it is allowed." - Van Gaal explains why Marouane Fellaini aimed an elbow at Robert Huth (May 2, 2016)

"I don't discuss with my friends in the media, who have already sacked me for six months. Which other manager could do what I have done?" - In his final media conference, Van Gaal places the newly won FA Cup on the desk and questions his detractors (May 21, 2016)