Five of the funniest customer queries

We all like to complain about poor customer service. But did you ever stop to think that the staff at the other end of the phone often have cause to complain about us too?

There are several online chatrooms where customer service or tech support staff share their horror stories of customers whose stupidity makes helping them impossible.

We've rounded up some of the funniest.

The customer that needs a time machine
"In the Chardonnay aisle yesterday, a customer approached me asking for Rombauer 2012... When I informed him, 'sorry, sir, we only have the 2014', the exchange that followed was classic, and caused me to have to bite my tongue to keep from laughing:

'I don't understand why you don't have any.'

'We sold through that vintage, and the 2013, and now we have the '14.'

'Can't they just make more 2012?'"

The DIY fan
"I work for a company that does IT support at home, we get a brief description of every appointment. This one read 'USB won't work'. Prepared with this wealth of information, I went on my way.

"When I arrived, he told me that he bought a new laptop, and that one of his USB ports looked 'weird' and that his USB wouldn't fit in it. His solution: Grab a drill, drill away the edges of the HDMI port so that he could cram his USB in there...

The bargain hunter
"Customer: 'Can you get me a discount?'

Me: 'I'm sorry, we only discount damaged merchandise.'

Customer: 'Well, could you damage it?'

(I wait for her to laugh, but she just looks at me, expecting I will help her.)

Me: 'No... No, I can not.'"

The mistrustful reader
"Customer: 'Do you have Candide by Voltaire?'

Me: 'Yes, we do. I show her where it is.

Customer: 'It's in a weird place. Why isn't it with the graphic novels?'

Me: 'Because it's not a graphic novel.'

Customer: 'But he only writes graphic novels!'

Me: 'I think you're thinking of Voltaire the musician. This is by Voltaire the philosopher.'

Customer: 'Oh. You're sure they're not the same person?'

Me: 'Completely. Graphic novels didn't really exist when Voltaire was alive.'

Customer: 'Oh. Well, I might buy it anyway, in case it is the same person.'"


The dead phone
"Me: 'And how did you first find out that [your phone] wasn't working?'

Customer: 'Well, the power went out at my house, and ever since then it hasn't been charging.'

Me: 'Ah, OK. It might have been a power surge... So basically after the power came back on and you plugged it in, it was just completely dead? Didn't indicate that it was charging or anything like that?'

Customer: 'I haven't tried it since the power came back on.'

Me: 'You mean, you were trying to charge it while the power was still off?'

Customer: 'Yeah.'"